This is the language where you don't need any words. Women have been doing it for hundreds of years to attract the man they want. Becoming fluent in body language will ensure that you will be skilled in attracting the right man and sending the get lost signal to the wrong man.

Eyeing Up the Prize

The more eye contact you establish with the target the better. Start with some sidelong glances. Then, begin with direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, immediately lower your eyes and smile to yourself. This will tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you -- a sure sign of interest. Next, be bold and try holding his stare and flash a smile.

If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don't look back at him again. While having a conversation, looking at the ceiling and around the room also shows a definite lack of interest.

First Impressions Count

You leave your home ready to go to a party when you spot your gorgeous neighbor and he doesn't give you a second glance. Why? Because you aren't dressed your best. When you enter a room, most people look to see who has come in. This is when you have to make an impression. Looking your best will make you feel your best. So make sure that before you leave your front door, look your best. You never know. You just might just attract the attention of that gorgeous neighbor.

The Hand Job (no, not what you are thinking!)

Even without direct contact, your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you're open to him. Using your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, or the sleeve of your blouse in a rhythmic (as opposed to fidgety) manner, can be a sensual act. And for the brave, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the salt.

Hands jammed in pockets, cleaning eyeglasses or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Finger tapping, drumming, pointing or wagging are also signals to move on.

Stand Out

Your posture is one of the most telling signals you transmit. An open posture is evidence of an open person. Turning your body toward the man you're conversing with, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. Also, slightly tilting your head, crossing and uncrossing your legs and thrusting your chest forward give the message that you are interested.

Crossing your arms, holding a drink high in front of you, turning your body away or resting your feet on their toes will tell a person you are not interested.

A Few Extra Tips

Hopefully by now you have an attack plan for when it's time to get down and dirty, or when it's best just to wave the white flag. Here are just a few more tips when trying to perfect your body language skills:

• You'll know things are going really well when you begin "mirroring" one another's body language and gestures.

• Don't tease him by offering more than you plan to follow through with. This can lead to very ugly circumstances.

• Chain smoking, being extremely intoxicated, or having eyes only for your plate of food will not put you in the best standing for the body language game.

• If you try your hand at it, and he's not responding, abort the mission immediately.

• Following him around all night will only serve in making you look needy and desperate.

And finally, if all else fails, buy yourself a T-shirt that reads, "Looking for Love."

Body Language

Up to 93% of communication is non verbal and much of this is body language. Knowing how to read body language can mean that you don’t pick up the wrong signals, or miss the silent messages that someone really likes you!

Luckily body language can be very easy to learn, which is a good thing, as it is possibly one of the most important languages that you can learn. You will probably recognise many of the following examples from your own behaviour, or from those close to you. Once you know how to read these signs from people around you, you’ll get a good idea of the workings of their minds and thought processes.

Let’s say you are out on a date and want to take things further. Before you do so, you need to know if the other person is interested. Look out for these tell tale signs and you will never be left guessing again!

Male body language:

If a man is showing an interest he will appear to be standing taller, by puffing up his chest and pulling in his tummy. You may see him correcting his appearance, straightening his tie (if he is wearing one) and generally preening himself. A sure sign that he is interested is hooking his thumbs in his belt. This subconsciously highlights his genital region and says that he is virile!

Watch out for body positioning. If he turns his body towards you it shows that he is interested, particularly if either of his feet are pointing towards you.

If he is standing with his hands on his hips, he is appearing to make himself bigger and ready to take things further.

The eyes are a great giveaway and are often referred to as the ‘window to the soul’. When someone is holding their gaze, even for a fraction of a second longer than is necessary, especially when combined with dilated pupils, it is a sure sign that you are in luck! A man’s intimate gaze is generally quite obvious. If his eye movements follow a triangle shaped pattern (that is eye to eye, down to the mouth, the rest of the body, and then back up to the eyes again) is another giveaway that he likes you.

Female body language:

Women generally display similar preening and grooming characteristics to men, but there are other signals to look out for which show that they are expressing in interest in the person they’re talking to.

One such sign is the ‘head toss’, this can be done by women with both long and short hair and is used to capture someone’s attention by revealing their neck. Exposed wrists can also be a sign of interest, as can showing the palms of her hands while talking to you. An open palm is often seen as a sign of openness and sincerity.

As with male body language, if her foot or knee is pointing towards you (especially if her legs are crossed) this gives a clear sign of interest. Crossed legs are also seen as being a relaxed informal position. If she lets the shoe from her top leg slip off her foot and then starts playing with it – this is often seen as a sign of interest.

Don’t forget to look out for the eyes, as women are excellent at using the intimate gaze – that is holding your gaze for a moment longer than normal, and following the triangle formation. (Eye to eye, down to the mouth, followed by the rest of the body and then back up to the eyes again). This movement is known as ‘eyeing someone up’.

Another good sign of attraction is if she is coiling her hair around her finger and tilting her head whilst talking to you. And don’t forget to look out for that warm natural smile!

Making the first move

Once you are getting the message that your partner may be interested, and you want some further feedback, it is time to use a technique called ‘excuse touching’. This is non threatening, non sexual behaviour that basically gives you an excuse to touch your partner and shows that you interested, and is a great way to give your partner the opportunity to respond. Excuse touching can be anything from touching their arm whilst talking, to letting your hands touch. If your partner feels the same way, they will often find similar excuses to touch you, or prolonging your touch.

If your partner is not responding to your advances, be aware that this probably means that they are not interested in taking things further. Likewise, if you are interested in the person that is excuse touching you, make sure that you respond – otherwise they may think you are not interested and will back off. You don’t want to miss out on a good opportunity!

Communication

Communication is a vital part of our lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax, socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks.

Communication skills are critical for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. Just as communication can be the most important part of a relationship; arguments can be the most destructive aspect - the closer we are to someone, the more easily we can bruise or be bruised. There is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." It's not what we say, but rather how we say it, that most often hurts another person.

Do you identify with any of these statements?

"He never listens to me when I talk!"
"She talks and talks, but never actually says anything!"
"It's like talking to a brick wall"
"I can't get through to you"
"We can't talk about anything important without getting into a fight"
"She's too emotional - she's either crying or shouting or complaining. It's easier to avoid her"
"He always gets defensive when I try to talk about issues"

Communication is a complex process; of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. (See our body language section)

Communication is the art/ science of transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to be effective, it must be a two-way process.

Dynamics of Interpersonal Communication

1. Facts: are both people communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from thoughts or feelings.

2. Interpretations, Thoughts or Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief system, personality, values and experience.

3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and thoughts.

4. Intentions, Needs or Wants: hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or simply a chance to interact? We judge ourselves on our intentions.

5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc.
"The medium is the message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself.

6. Self: The communication centre, which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been "filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions.

Listening and Feedback

Did I say what I meant to say? - Invite feedback to clarify communication.

Someone who's not listening lets their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact.

Listening is an active, not a passive process. When two people argue, they only hear "what they want to hear", not what's actually said. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Don't argue when you're angry - you will not be able to listen objectively. Give yourself time to cool down and then broach the subject when you are in a more reasonable frame of mind.

It's important to give feedback - checking and confirming. Did I understand you correctly? Is this what you mean? I heard you say this: am I right? Feedback can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No feedback is in itself a form of feedback.

If the words and actions contradict each other, it is better to believe the actions!

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution can either be Constructive or Destructive.

Destructive Style - hinders or inhibits the conflict resolution process:

* Confrontational (win or lose, blaming)
* Sabotage (focus on weak points, shaming)
* Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal)
* Giving in (passive, submissive)
* Avoidance (denial, withdrawal)

Constructive Style – trying to minimize the issues and avoiding the difficulties in resolving the problems:

* Compromise (meet halfway, understanding)
* Accommodate (open discussion, communication without confrontation)
* Partnership (solutions, forgiveness, honesty)

When trying to resolve conflicts, try to clarify your goals, as you will probably share many of the same goals despite of your differences. Avoid bargaining, as this may lead to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers.

When resolving conflicts, remember that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn’t going to work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument starts. Try to fully resolve each issue as it comes along. You may find the following method useful:

1. Ask the other person for their feelings. Your conflict probably isn’t about the issue that caused it to start in the first place. Don’t forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an argument!

2. Ask the other person to define the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand each problem as the other person sees it.

3. Express your own feelings. Be careful to word them carefully, for example use phrases such as “I feel…” rather than “I think you…”

4. Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may become clearer. Remember that by you listening to the other person; you will have set the tone for them to listen to you.

5. Create multiple solutions. Don’t go back to your original agenda. Aim to find alternative or creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension.

6. Rate the possible solutions. Remember that no one can force an unacceptable solution on the other.

7. Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable to both parties, if this doesn’t work – go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest.

8. Be sure both parties agree to work towards resolving the issue.

Troubleshooting For Problems in Communication

Control or Power Issues: Effective communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. To stay in control leads to relational isolation as the underdog reacts in anger at being manipulated or belittled.

Triangulation: Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person. Don't dump your accusations on mutual friends or your children in the hope of winning support to balance the scales in your favour - it leads to more substantial and long-lasting damage, especially when a child is used as a weapon between parents.



19 Steps to Effective Communication

1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down.

2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap)

3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding.

4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person’s worth as a human being. “Avoid statements which begin with the words “You never …” or “I think you …”.

5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness.

6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with “You always …”

7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done.

8. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception)

9. Recognize that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you – especially if you are not sure.

10. Recognize that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments.

11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences.

12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game.

13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood.

14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, “you shouldn’t feel like that.”

15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person’s feelings.

16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing.

17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others.

18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining.

19. Recognize the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing.

Summary

As you look ahead to new relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build self-esteem, particularly in children. By becoming an effective communicator, you will also grow and become a better person which will positively enhance all your relationships.